Todd Barry is a sensitive guy, really sensitive. Other guys will patiently read your poetry if you ask, but Todd will actually ask you if you write poetry before you bring it up. And if you don’t, he’ll encourage you to do so. He’ll call you up daily and say things like “Hope you’re writing poetry today!” That said, Todd still has it in him to be “mega manly.” Like when he walked into this East Village restaurant and ordered a bowl of “meat soup.” Hearty, delicious meat soup. The perfect way to fuel up before diving into a seventh re-read of The Collected Poems of Octavio Paz, 1957-1987: Bilingual Edition.
The “Golden Girl” Is For Me
Todd usually drinks manly drinks like whiskey. He’ll often drink a whole bottle of whiskey, eat the bottle, then spit the glass shards into the face of a man who may or may have not looked at him the wrong way. But that can’t be an every night thing, especially when the woman you’re with orders a Mint Julep. On those nights you order a Golden Girl. Any idiot can get in a bar brawl after a night of whiskey drinking, but get in a tussle after downing a few-too-many Golden Girls? That’s manliness defined.
Todd has sampled a lot of various food and drink items in in his life: salad, fries, even a couple of glasses of G Sprietzer Rie. But he had never, ever, tried a “hamburger.” So imagine his dismay when he ate a Portland restaurant with a “mandatory burger” policy. He wanted to avoid eating one, but he had “no choice.”
Todd Was Warned
When Todd told people he was visiting Fargo, ND he usually got the same reaction: “nice place, but beware of the Bottomless Chili Upcharge.” Todd thought they were joking, until he experienced it firsthand…the evil, nefarious, 50 cent Bottomless Chili Upcharge. Todd hasn’t suffered so much since a trip to Milwaukee, where he was subjected to the Unlimited Beef Stew Tariff.
See how this receipt almost arrogantly proclaims “1 Name, Tod.” The problem with being too cocky is that it can often come back and bite you in the ass, and that’s exactly what happened here. You see “Tod” is one name, but it’s not the name of the person who ordered this drink. That person was/is Todd Barry. Perhaps the coffee vendor was trying to take Todd “down a notch.” Well, guess what, it didn’t work. You just made Todd want to work that much harder, and make that much more impact on society and the world around him.
Hold The Pie
Todd makes everything he does interesting — “off-the-charts” interesting. Even this simple late night wine and dessert break is a thing of wonder. Most people would go into a cafe and order a glass of wine and a slice of pie a la mode. Todd orders wine and just the a la mode. Things like that make him “off-the-charts” interesting.
For Potheads Only
When Todd received this receipt at an Manhattan tea shop, he got really excited for a certain segment of his fan base: filthy, disgusting potheads. He imagined how excited two filthy, disgusting potheads would be if they saw a receipt that said “pot for two.” They would do the pothead equivalent of “high-fiving,” which is probably high-fiving.
Sometimes Yakitori Isn’t Enough
Todd gets approached on the street a lot, and people usually have questions. Ninety percent of the people usually ask the same thing: “Todd, when it comes to the Japanese skewer dish Yakitori, it’s all about presentation, right?” Todd always answers with a big fat Y-E-S. Todd is so passionate about the presentation of Yakitori, he even has them itemize it on his bill whenever he dines out.
Todd had lots of “special” requests for this meal: special soups, special chicken sandwiches, and special chicken. But if you look at the bottom you see that he ordered “non-special” string beans. Why is that? Because Todd has always referred to string beans as “nature’s perfect food.” They need virtually no preparation or accompaniments to make them delectable. Wouldn’t you love to sit across from Todd at a restaurant, sharing a nice plate of “nature’s perfect food?”
Todd’s Love of Literature
What’s sadder than Todd Barry buying the book Mortgages For Dummies? How about Todd using a gift card to buy Mortgages For Dummies? Todd really knows how to treat himself right. And he’ll treat you right, when you’re sitting next to him, drinking mulled cider by the fireplace in his new northern New Hampshire country home — financed with a sensible 30 year fixed rate mortgage.
How Are You Doing?
As far as product descriptions go, you’re doing fine, Cosi Sandwich Shop! When Todd dropped in to Cosi for some “between shows” raspberry tea, he didn’t expect to walk out of there with a receipt so museum-worthy. Look at how Todd’s one cup of raspberry tea is described “Tea, Hot Tea GT, Tea, Raspberry Tea.” Pretty thorough and coincidental, since Todd describes his comedy as “Comedy, Funny Comedy GT, Comedy, Raspberry Comedy.”
Don’t Skimp On The Subtotal
When Todd dropped in for lunch at a California branch of the California Pizza Kitchen, he went in with one simple desire: to get a half a Chinese Chicken Salad, without getting half a subtotal. Well, as you can see, Todd gets what he wants. It’s all there, itemized for you. Read it and try to move on with your life.
More like a celebrity surcharge. When Todd entered this Australian drugstore to buy some moist towellettes, he was immediately recognized by the store manager, who sent a code to the cashier, authorizing a 2 cent “rounding amount” added to the bill. They knew Todd has money and would not make a fuss over this “rounding amount” because that would inevitably lead to an embarassing mention in a Australian gossip column.
A Wonderful Benefit of Eating with Todd
You could easily name two benefits of eating with Todd: great conversation and the joy of sitting across from someone who’s easy on the eyes. But there’s a third benefit: itemized free refills. Yes, written proof that you wanted a second Diet Coke, and you got it. Free. Because you ate with Todd.
Todd’s Favorite Food
Was that comedian Todd Barry sitting alone in a San Francisco Indonesian restaurant, slamming down a plate of Ayam Dada Masak Cabe? Well if you knew anything about Todd — if you were a true fan — you’d know that Ayam Dada Masak Cabe (with rice) is Todd’s absolute favorite food. Just ask anyone who’s been in charge of catering at one of Todd’s amazing comedy concerts.
Not Like Todd’s Treated in America
When Todd ordered some chicken tenders at this Melbourne, Australia chicken restaurant, he wanted Australian-style food, but he also wanted American-style respect. Imagine his dismay, when he looked at his receipt those two ugly words: “NO UPGRADE.” This was not like every flight Todd has taken or every hotel Todd has checked into in the past fifteen years. There’s nothing worse than sitting alone in a foreign restaurant, eating non-upgraded chicken tenders.
Giant Roasted Cashews – ‘Fraid So
Contrary to what this receipt says: “Cashews Giant Roasted No,” Todd distinctly remembers buying, then eating Giant roasted cashews while waiting for a flight to Lansing, Michigan at the Newark Airport. How could he not remember slipping those big, giant cashews through his pursed, duckling-like lips,
The Waitress Equivalent of Todd’s Act
When Todd got the bill for his semi-healthy snack at this outdoor cafe in Sydney, Australia, he looked down and realized he was served by the “waitress equivalent” of his act.
Why Todd is So Fiery
The question is asked constantly: “what makes Todd so fiery, on and off stage?” You probably think the answer is obvious — it’s his hot Portugese blood. No, you’re wrong. It’s actually his diet. Check out what Todd ordered at the Au Bon Pain at the Pittsburgh Airport. HOT Tea and a JALAPENO Bagel — a combination that can only lead to a person becoming more fiery, on and off stage.
One of Todd’s Many Secrets
Don’t ask why Todd went into this Australian sporting goods store to buy “strong black thongs.” But you can ask what those dimensions are underneath “1 x 5.95.” Uh-huh. Oh yeah.
Getting Ready for You…
Wow. Look at what’s on this receipt: Mr. Clean, a sponge, and Ajax. Looks like Todd is getting ready for you. Are you getting ready for him? Todd’s apartment will be immaculate when you come over.The five toilets will be scrubbed, and the hot tub will be as clean as Chinese arithmetic.
Another Great Lunch
Todd was skeptical when he saw “hippie plate” on the menu at this Austin restaurant. But he was pleasantly surprised when his order arrived, and it actually was a heaping plate of dead hippies. Mmmmm…that side of peanut dressing really brings out the flavor of the tie-dye.